Entries for February, 2005
February 2nd, 2005
It ain't that bad
Posted by crishia at 09:47 AM on February 2, 2005.
Whew! What a way to start the week...
I got out of the hospital last Sunday... just in time for an early evening flight to Cebu. Yup... yup... yup... Doc finally agreed to discharge me.
I was happy and excited. Wanted to surprise my friends whom I haven't seen for a quite sometime now. I was also nervous but very hopeful 'coz I'll be meeting up with K when I get to Cebu.
Nurse Mae and I got teary-eyed when I said my goodbyes to the nurses who has been my "family" in my short stint at the hospital. Si Nurse Mae kasi ang palagi kong kausap at kasama sa room the whole time I was there. Tinuruan nga nya akong maglaro ng chess sa laptop na dala ko. And of course, chat galore kami sa YM pag-gabi when the other doctors and nurses have made their rounds.
On my way out of the hospital, I texted K. No reply... Baka tulog pa...
And so, I went back to the small room I've rented while I was away from home. I quickly packed all my belongings and was set to go. I was able to ask my friend J na ihatid ako sa airport. I wanted to be there early. Ayokong maiwanan ng eroplano. Oh no! Not that day!
To make the story short... Yes... oh yes... HINDI AKO UMABOT SA AIRPORT! May sumalpok na sasakyan sa bandang likuran namin. Nabagok ang ulo ko na kasusuergery pa lang just a week ago. Ang ending... balik ospital...
And I, just woke up a few hours ago...
A good thing happened though... Di ako nag-iisa pagkagising ko. My Abuelita (grandmother) was beside me. Nandoon din si J na galos lang ang natamo. What a relief to see them
Scanned the room. No sight of dad. Oh well, that's asking too much na in one day. (Sana bukas, cya naman... keeping my fingers crossed)
Damn Me!
Posted by crishia at 10:55 AM on February 2, 2005.
Di ko mapigilan... I texted K: " Aint you gonna ask why di ako natuloy? Didnt you ever wonder?"
He replied (in cebuano): "Just dont wait for me to aks. Just tell me. You havent called or texted. If you have something to say, just tell me right away."
Aray ko! Anong klaseng reply ba yon? Feeling ko hinampas ako sa mukha.
Anyways; di pa rin ako nadala.... I replied: "Wag na lang. Di mo na siguro dapat pang malaman. Ang mahalaga buhay ako."
K: "Whatever... Ive heard that all before. The time you said you were at the hospital, I saw you chatting at yahoo."
HALLER? (Yuck. I cant believe I just said that)
Technology K... high technology. A laptop and a 5k-a-month company sponsored (more like daddy sponsored) mobile phone can do the trick. Ikaw pa naman ang pinaka-techie na person na nakilala ko. You knew i dont go anywhere without these gadgets.
Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Ewan!!!!!!!!!
Another text came in: "Too tired to txt na, Crish. Dont txt na. Dont call na. If you like to talk, face me. Till then, wag na lang. Im tired of waiting."
Double Ahhhhhhhhh!!! Ewan! Ewan! Ewan!
wtf!
Signs
Posted by crishia at 11:12 AM on February 2, 2005.
So, how am I suppose to explain all these? Sa lahat ng attempts na ginawa ko para makauwi sa cebu to see K, things beyond ny powers happen... hindering me from going.
Napupuna ko na... I'ts kinda laike a sirang plaka already. I try... I fail... I try again... I fail again...
Are all these signs? Signs that I should just stop and put an end to everything thats going on between me and K?
Isnt all these not worth it?
Is this what I was destined to do in the first place? Tapos di ko lang magawagawa dahil sa bulag kong pag-ibig? (shacks!)
Answers... Answers, anyone?
February 4th, 2005
Glad to be "Home"
Posted by crishia at 12:57 PM on February 4, 2005.
I came home from the hospital yesterday. Home now means Abuelita's place. She really insisted that I stay here... at least for now that Im still recuperating.
No signs of dad yet. Nasa negros daw. I really miss daddy. Kaya lang if im not really gonna be firm in my decisions, he will always end up making a "baby" out of me.
Anyways, pinaghandaan yata talaga ng cook ni Abuelita ang pagdating ko. Lahat ng nakahain paborito kong kainin.
Sana parati na lang ganito.
Html
Posted by crishia at 01:33 PM on February 4, 2005.
Wahh!! Di ko pa rin makuha ang gusto kong mangyari.
I should have listened when B told me to learn a little html.
Currently feeling: confused
February 5th, 2005
Im Sinking
Posted by crishia at 01:13 AM on February 5, 2005.
I feel so lonely.
I feel so alone.
I am sinking.
Sinking.
Sinking.
Help...
Please save me.
Currently listening to: K's voice that i've recorded
Currently reading: K's text messages
Currently feeling: depressed
Taking care of me
Posted by crishia at 02:45 AM on February 5, 2005.
It really feels nice to have somebody to talk with. I was talking on the phone with my friend G not too long ago. She really made me feel better. G is one of the very few people who actually makes me sit down, shut up and listen. Pag ganito kasi na depressed ako, i tend not to listen... para bang boses ko lang ang naririnig ko... kung ano-ano na lang ang mga pinag-iisip ko... making me sink into depression more.
Shit happens and there is always a way out.
Talking about it. Sharing it to other people. May it be a friend, a relative or even somebody you dont know really helps ease out the pain.
Even blogging my heart out actually lessens the burden.
From now on, I promise to reach out. Im not gonna keep all the pain to myself anymore.
I promise to take care of me...
To G, my other close friends and to all those who take time to read this blog...
THANK YOU for taking time to listen...
Currently feeling: grateful
Posted by crishia at 02:50 AM on February 5, 2005 as a stickied post.
MY LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE ANYTHING BUT NORMAL...
February 6th, 2005
What a Blast!
Posted by crishia at 01:34 AM on February 6, 2005.
I called up two of my closest friends to let them know that im now staying at my abuelita's house.
By dinner time, Sam came over bringing with her the "super duper yummiest" strawberry cake ive ever tasted.
Abuelita, who's not so fond of sweets, finished two slices herself Don't ask na lang ilang slices ang naubos ko...
Halfway through dessert, Paw arrived with a galloon of his mom's ever famous homemade ice cream.
Wow! What a treat!
Soon after, my cousins along with our other friends arrived. This is now fast becoming an instant party.
The group now numbering at 14 slowly moved to the den just beside the pool. Abuelita asked the helpers to take out whatever food there was at the pantry. According to her, it's been a long time since we had instant get togethers like this at her house. She stayed for a while and talked with us. By 9pm, she excused herself because she had to go to church early by Sunday.
By 10pm, six more people came. Ang galing talaga! Nawalang parang bula ang aking mga problema. I should be doing this more often, instead of keeping myself in the four corners of my room.
I had to call it a night this early though... So many things to do tomorrow... Bibiyahe pa ako
All in all, tonight was definitely a blast!
A broken promise
Posted by crishia at 02:08 AM on February 6, 2005.
I know.. I know... Im supposed to be sleeping by now.
Kaya lang di ko talaga mapigilan.
I called K on his room phone.
I was all set that nobody's gonna answer anyway. It's a Saturday night. He usually goes out.
I had the shock of my life when somebody actually lifted the phone. Ngeks! Nasa bahay pala cya. Di ako nakapagsalita agad.
Kinamusta ko cya. He asked nasaan ako. Told him in Abuelita's house. He asked which house, Manila or Cebu? Manila, i replied. He told me to call when Im in Cebu na raw. So I asked him na if ever Id tell him Im in Cebu now, will he spare me some of his time and talk. Binagsakan ako ng phone.
Im sorry, G. I know I promised. Di ko lang talaga makayanang bigla na lang i-cut off the things that Ive been doing almost everyday for many years now.
Di ba, may witdrawal period nga ang mga taong pinapasok sa rehab? Siguro naman Im allowed a few lapses every now and then.
Sorry to everyone. I let you down again.
Currently feeling: disappointed
Stop me
Posted by crishia at 09:24 AM on February 6, 2005.
Im having a hard time sleeping.
Maybe it's bcoz im anxious, excited, undecided, curious, and nervous at the same time.
Im anxious to go to Cebu. Im excited to see my friends. Undecided if I really wanna let K know that Im finally going. Im curious if he still actually wants me. Nervous about what the outcome of this trip will be.
I wanna call K. I wanna call K. I wanna call K.
I wanna get some answers.
Somebody please... pigilan nyo ako...
Stop me!!!
It's Over
Posted by crishia at 10:10 AM on February 6, 2005.
K and I talked.
More like me getting hysterical and him making pigil his emotions. (yon ang sabi nya)
I was crying the whole time.
The truth is... I really really really love K. And I kept on telling him that. Di ko maisip na mawala cya sa buhay ko. He wasnt just a boyfriend. He was my very very bestfriend. He was my life.
At first, he still wanted to see me. (he still has to ask his office daw when he can be able to file for a leave)
But as we tried to talk further... after all the exchange of questions and answers... he finally said that this is it, IT IS OVER!
He doesnt wanna talk to me anymore na daw. Not even in person. He wants me to stop calling. He wants me to stop texting. He's gonna have his numbers changed. He plainly just wants me out of his life.
God knows I begged so many times for him not to say that. I begged for him not say that he doesnt even care anymore... that he doesnt love me anymore. I begged... I begged... I begged... Yes, i did beg and i'll continue to... whatever it takes...
How can I take him out of my life. HE IS MY LIFE. If it entails for me to give up everything, I can live with that. He is the one that keeps me grounded. I just cant possibly imagine going on without him.
But its over now. He hanged the phone on me again. At least this time he didnt slam it. I tried calling the landline again. No more answer. He eventually turned off his mobile phone too.
So what am I supposed to do now? I cant think straight. I dont have a f*ckin clue on waht to do.
I wanna quit! I wanna quit!
But NO!
I am Crish, and I dont give up that easily... That just isnt me.
Currently feeling: crushed
Kahit Na
Posted by crishia at 10:48 AM on February 6, 2005 as a favorite post.
Kahit Na
by:
Bridge
Di na kailangan pang mag-isip kung tayo ngang dalawa
Di sa lahat ng bagay tayo ay magkatugma
Basta't pag-ibig natin ang siyang magdadala
Bahala na
Ang dami-dami mong katwiran nagbibilang ka ba
Masinop ka, makalat ako
Naiinis ka pero natatawa ako
Pabagu-bago ang isip mo nung desidido ako
Eh ano ngayon
Kahit na oras-oras tayong di magkasundo
Kahit na lagi-lagi tayong may tampuhan
Kahit na tayo pa rin di ba?
Matitiis ba natin ang lambing ng isa't-isa
Ang mga yakap at halik at kung ano pa
Maliliit na bagay kayang palampasin na
Ganyan talaga
Currently feeling: crushed but still hopeful
Drowning
Posted by crishia at 11:11 AM on February 6, 2005.
Drowning
by:
Dashboard Confessional
Am i drowning you out?
Boasts of defection
If everything was up to me,
I would be gone by the first sight
The first sight of hope I'd be packed up and out on my way.
Time has been spread so thin
And it's just hours 'fore the day begins.
And the things that are keepin you here are not keepin me here.
The things that are keepin you here
will keep me away.
And "you'll be sorry" isn't that what they'll say?
Don't follow your heart 'cause it just seems to get in your way.
And dont ever leave here and mope at you lesuire and straighten out your
crease dear and truth is in a tall beer
Are you drowing your fears?
Pasts of deception
When everything is hazy then everything will be OK
When everything is hazy then you wont be sad that you stayed.
Time has been spread so thin
And it's just hours 'till the day begins.
And the things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here.
The things that are keeping you here
Will keep me away
And "you'll be sorry" isn't that what they'll say?
Don't follow your heart 'cause it just seems to get in your way
And don't ever leave here and mope at your lesuire and straighten out your
crease dear, and truth is in a tall beer...
February 7th, 2005
Fallen
Posted by crishia at 01:00 AM on February 7, 2005.
Fallen
by:
Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear...
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."
Pressure
Posted by crishia at 01:28 AM on February 7, 2005.
I need to confirm pa my flight this afternoon. Im having doubts if itutuloy ko ba o hindi. Paano naman kase, my eyes are so mugtong-mugto. Di ko pa nga nakayang lumabas sa room. For sure, ill be bombarded with questions. Alangan naman na sabihin ko na napuwing lang ako.
So, should i call or not?
Hmmm...
Ok... ok... im calling na right now...
There! Im set to go.
I'll be packing light today. Pwede pa nga na di na lang ako magpack at all. Andami ko pa naman kaseng mga damit na naiwan sa cebu. What concerns me is baka puro na maluwang ang mga damit na naiwan ko doon.
Yup, i lost a lot of weight this past few weeks. Na-alarmed na nga the doctors kase ever since ive been going under surgery or treatments ngayon lang daw ako nagbawas ng timbang. Before kase, they were teasing me na while all their other patients with the same condition as mine are having weight loss, ako naman daw ay palaki ng palaki.
Anyways, i need to get ready na. So many papeles to bring. I need to sort those pa.
Cebu... here I come...
A good start
Posted by crishia at 01:46 PM on February 7, 2005.
I cant believe im actually here in Cebu.
Had dinner with a few friends last night
I had fun although I was kinda tired having been awake for more than 24 hours already. They are as kalog as ever. Trying to outdo each other in making me laugh. It was such a nice feeling having let out a hearty laugh in a very long time.
We had our senti moments too. Everybody trying to have a say about the happenings in my life. I know all their intentions are good, but i believe i have to really just rely on me.
Anyways, im off to do a lot of stuff today. My friend A offered to be my personal driver for the day. I hope to finish everything early today.
Bo's would be a good place to hang out while waiting for my very early morning flight.
February 10th, 2005
Balik sa dati
Posted by crishia at 11:11 AM on February 10, 2005.
Im back.
I really wished i could have stayed longer. Kase naman, Abuelita called that I was scheduled to have some tests later in the afternoon. Medyo di raw kase maganda ang pagkabagok ng ulo ko during the accident kaya they have to make follow up check-ups.
Yesterday was really fun although kinda tiring na for me. By afternoon, parang hinihingal na ako.
I had dinner with my A and Tito Joe's family at Shangrila Mactan. Ang sarap talaga ng seafoods but I had to keep reminding myself to eat in moderation at baka magsuka ako sa eroplano. Shacks! Nakakahiya naman ano!
The night would have been better if A and I joined
G,
Pai and
Christy at Bo's. Kaya lang, sorry talaga ha... kase medyo di na talaga kaya ng katawan ko. I needed the rest badly (kulang kase sa tulog). Promise! I'll be back and I'm gonna treat you all to a very sumptuous dinner.. hehehe...
On my way to the hospital now... mapupunan na naman ang sakit sa katawan... Sigh!
February 11th, 2005
Bummer
Posted by crishia at 03:17 AM on February 11, 2005.
I was just watching Boy Abunda's Private Conversations on ANC. The topic was about ASTROLOGY and it sure got me interested.
Out of instinct, I called up K, as I always do if I found something interesting. We usually have good conversations when things like this happen. Being like poles apart, it has always been a joy for me to find out that we can actually agree on liking the same things.
Halfway through my "monologue" about my so called recent discovery / fascination, he interrupted me and asked if I had more important things to say.
Whatta bummer!
Opps! Reality check! And so I remembered... I wasnt supposed to call him anymore... Diba we are supposed to be back to being strangers (more like enemies?). As he had so many times mentioned daw, conversations such as this one shouldnt really take place as he can never see a friend in me na... so why bother talking...
Anyways, as Ive mentioned, Ive done it out of pure instinct... more like a reflex... Maybe I just got used to the idea that whenever I find something interesting (yup! even in the middle of the night), I call him right away... we get into a nice talk... we are happy...
But thats all in the past now. I should definitely learn to put a stop to all these...
I know its gonna sound childish, but do you think deleting his number on my contact list could be a good start?
Honestly, up to now all I can remember are the last 4 digits of his mobile number (bcoz its his bday). But trying to forget his room phone(which I can dial even with eyes closed) is yet another story...
Stained Glass
Posted by crishia at 04:13 AM on February 11, 2005 as a favorite post.
If the EYES are the windows of our soul, then mine is kinda like a stained glass right now...
My eyes are slowly, slowly failing me.
As days pass by, everything gets to be blurry in front of me. The tumor has now made its way to the part of my brain that spells out vision. If only I could put up a sign in there that says: Keep out! Do not disturb!, I would.
My greatest fear is not about dying... it is not being able to see before I do.
Im the type that cant sit still but I can imagine myself without legs.
I can be on the phone from dusk till dawn but I can imagine myself not being able to talk.
What I can NEVER imagine is myself being blind.
I cant imagine seeing the beauty of a sunset from Jkee's veranda based on memory alone. What if my memory will someday fail me too?
How will I be able to wish if I cant see a star falling out of the sky?
How can I appreciate the redness of a rose by just holding on to it?
How will I be able to read my friends' emails that helps me to be stronger everyday?
How will I be able to view all the other blogs that inspired me to write my own?
How will I be able to see all your comments that brighten up my day?
I feel weird! very weird!
February 13th, 2005
It's Raining Men
Posted by crishia at 02:29 PM on February 13, 2005.
When Andrei appeared on my Abuelita's doorstep and immediately came looking for her just passing by me with a smile, I knew he was up to something. He caught Abuelita in the lanai and asked her if he could take me out. The nerve! He didnt even ask me first. How can I refuse now after seeing Abuelita's face light up at the same time uttering a big yes! Grrr! This is a conspiracy!
Anyways it turned out that it wont be just the two of us. I'll be dating 6 other men at the same time.
Yup, youve read it right... I am surrounded with 7 of the men in my life. I had fun without spending a single cent. And not to mention, it was fun seeing all the other girls veiwing me with envy in their eyes... Hahaha! Sorry na lang, ganyan talaga ang life. May maiinggit at may nang-iinggit.
And so we dropped by at LovaPalooza b4 hanging out at Jkee's pad. Grabe! Andaming tao pala. Checking out the crowd, I had a sudden feeling of panic. Although there were lots of people just making usyoso, most people especially the ones in the middle were actually in pairs. What the heck am I doing here?
Seeing all those couples with sparkles in their eyes made me think about K and me. If he was here tapos kami pa rin, pupunta rin kaya kami sa mga okasyong ganito knowing how elitista he can be and might regard this event as one of the baduy thinggy. We dont even celebrate Valentine's day.
Anyways, as everyone was getting ready for the countdown, I wanted to do something for my boyz. Looking at those thousands of couples lovingly kissing each other all at the same time might trigger me to have a heart attack… due to excessive envy!
So on go signal from the emcees of the event, I turned around, faced my boyz and gave them all 4 kisses each.
Oh no… not the French or the L2L one… more like butterfly kisses…
one on the forehead, one on both cheeks and one on the chin. Then I said thank you for always being there for me. I had to hold their heads on the side while doing this noh… baka saan pa mapunta kiss ko… ibang usapan na yon… hehehe!
So let me introduce you all to the men of my life (aside from Dad and K of course):
ANDREI – 5’11” 27-yr-old dark haired mestizo; looks better when not well shaven; manages to look good in everything he wears; can pass as a model but too shy to be one; shy around girls, too; low profile; seldom talks, but when he does, my oh my, you just have to listen; a very good friend who will always be on your side whatever the situation is; a very good business partner; a very gook cook, too; and most important of all, very much eligible!
SAMUEL – pronounced sam-yu-wel, otherwise known as yu-wee; 26-yrs-old; 5’10”; has a guitar beside his table in the office; magaling mag-gitara; maganda ang boses; comes to the office in tshirt and jeans, while his subordinates wear corporate clothes; really looks good in a business suit which he sometimes wears especially on meetings; kalog; makulit; constantly dating but unattached
PAOLO – also known as Paw; my close friend since kindergarten; 5’11”; 26-yrs-old but acts like 12 sometimes; super kulit; a free spirited person who goes where his feet lead him to; a smoker, taught me my first puff; introduced me to the art of drinking at the age of 16; never had a steady girlfriend (walang tumatagal); a “chicks magnet”
JKEE – Harold Joshua Kenneth, Jkee to friends, Harold to the rest of the world; 29-yrs-old; 5’7”; shares my passion for watching the sun set; malalim na tao, very intelligent, tahimik, a very good listener; you can feel comfort kahit na magkatabi kayo na di nag-uusap; needs a little pushing though; medyo introvert
CHARLIE – one of my favorite cousins; 28-yrs-old; 5’8”; soon to be a doctor, wanting to specialize in neuro so he can take care of me daw (sweet noh?); very good looking; used to be mistaken as my bf when we were younger; just broke up with his very demanding girlfriend (buti na lang… I never really liked her)
EMMAN – Charlie’s younger bro; 22-yrs-old; 5’7”; magaling magpatawa; 1st half of the dumb and dumber duo; habulin ng mga babae dahil sa kanyang baby face at malalim na dimple; very loyal to Mariel, his long-time girlfriend who is in Europe studying
PATRICK – Emman’s best friend since time immemorial; an adopted member of our family bcoz he has been around since he was 5 years old; 22-yrs-old; 5’6”; completes the dumb and dumber duo; a computer geek; very much like Emman but no steady girlfriend; his laptop is his priority
So there! Di ba ang saya? Im not just surrounded by good-looking men but very very good friends at that… People who will never leave me kahit anong pagsusuplada ang gawin ko.
I love you guys! Thank you for taking care of me.
Something's Missing
Posted by crishia at 11:44 PM on February 13, 2005.
Something's Missing
by
John Mayer
I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.
I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all
I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Friends -check-
Money -check-
A well slept -check-
Opposite sex -check-
Guitar -check-
Microphone -check-
Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-
How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means
How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means
----------
I miss K! I miss him very much... Why cant he just love me again?
Currently feeling: crushed
February 18th, 2005
Horoscope
Posted by crishia at 01:26 AM on February 18, 2005.
I got this from email today:
Dear crishia,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, February 18:
Expect to hear a voice you weren't expecting, especially not quite this soon. Still, you've been thinking of them a lot lately -- and you know what that means. They've been thinking of you, too.
My, oh, my... I hope it's K.
Please, please, please, let it be him...
I know I promised myself not to blog about him for a while. Not after the thing that happened on valentines day, which i will be blogging abt when i get over it. Its still kinda painful... Im so sorry... i really cant help it...
I miss him terribly!
Currently feeling: still hopeful
February 22nd, 2005
Stupid Me
Posted by crishia at 10:51 PM on February 22, 2005.
Ive waited and waited and waited...
Still hoping that he still thinks about me...
DAMN ME!!! For having high hopes over a silly horoscope...
Damn!!!
Currently feeling: angry
February 25th, 2005
Where Art Thou?
Posted by crishia at 02:26 AM on February 25, 2005 as a favorite post.
This past 2 months ang buhay ko ay naging puno ng frustrations, anger, suffering at depression. Ive become more and more unhealthy... not to mention the sunod sunod na emotional breakdowns that overpowered me.
May hinahanap hanap ako. Aside from K, I miss somebody terribly, too. He means so much to me... more than K... more than anybody else...
He is my hero... my security... my mentor... my epitome... my best friend...
Since mom left, we did everything together. We stayed up late to watch dvds... shopping galore kami palagi... we played video games kahit na palagi nya akong tinatalo... kumakain kami sa labas... basta ang pinaka-importante, we spent time together.
Kaso, those are over now. We got caught up with our respective lives that we havent really been there for each other na.
Andaming panahon na nagagalit ako dahil wala ka. Di ko kailangan ang pera. Di ko kailangan ang bagong kotse. Lalong di ko kailangan ng ibang taong mag-aalaga sa akin.
Nakakaya kong tiisin ang maraming bagay... nakakaya kong magtagumpay... dahil na rin sa kagustuhan ko at sa pananalig ko sa Diyos. Pero alam mo bang maraming beses din akong nadapa?... Kase wala ka... wala ka sa tabi ko... ikaw ang inspirasyon ko... ikaw ang nagpapatibay ng loob ko...
Di mo lang alam, how much I worry about you... Palagi kong iniisip kung nainom mo ba yong vitamins mo, kung sumasakit pa ba ang likod mo, kung kumakain ka ba ng maayos...
Di mo lang alam kung ilang beses din akong nawalan ng pag-asa...
Di mo lang alam na masyado na akong nahihirapan sa sitwasyon nating ito...
Di mo lang alam na kailangang-kailangan kita ngayon...
Hanggang kailan mo ako titikisin?
Oo, nasaktan mo ako nang todo-todo... pero andito pa rin ako, maghihintay sa yo...
Papanatiliin kong maging matibay... Patuloy akong mananalangin...
Please just don't be long...
Mahal na mahal kita, Dad!
Currently feeling: longing
March 1st, 2005
Lessons of Love
Posted by crishia at 02:49 AM on March 1, 2005.
Forwarded to me by a friend:
If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person’s heart.
If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.
How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.
If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.
Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.
The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.
They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.
Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.
Love always has been and always will be a mystery.
Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.
Currently feeling: lonely
