Entries for March, 2005
March 4th, 2005
What lies behind my eyes?
Posted by crishia at 01:26 AM on March 4, 2005.
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through
What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!) brought to you by Quizilla
March 7th, 2005
Giving Up & Letting Go
Posted by crishia at 03:49 AM on March 7, 2005.
Giving Up & Letting Go
by
Audra & the Antidote
It wouldn't have to be this hard
If it were written in the stars
There comes a time when you just know
Good-bye's the only way to go
And I look back before I go on
and try to figure out what went wrong
I used to think it was giving up
and that I wasn't trying hard enough
but now I've been around
long enough to know
There's a difference between
Giving Up & Letting Go
I think I gave it my best shot
I know I've given all I've got
And though it hasn't happened yet
I will look back without regret
I hoped and prayed
that it wouldn't turn out this way
But it looks like fate had the final say
I used to think it was giving up
and that I wasn't trying hard enough
but now I've been around
long enough to know
There's a difference between
Giving Up & Letting Go
----------
it's hard to let go of someone that has been in my life for so many years...
you were somebody i really longed for... i loved and lost, i guess...
i love you, K... i always will...... goodbye......
March 9th, 2005
I Waited
Posted by crishia at 01:08 AM on March 9, 2005.
the day is about to end. you never texted. sunday afternoon at starbucks... remember? i tried to convince myself that u just forgot... but a greater part of me wants to assume that maybe u just werent really interested... i was so tempted already to text and remind u. grabeng pigil talaga ang ginawa ko. hoping na sana this time ikaw naman ang mauna. i wanted to convince myself na yes crish, iniisip ka rin nya... na may konting puwang pang natitira sa puso nya na para sayo.
so many questions running through my mind... what would have happened if natuloy tayo kanina... tayo pa rin kaya uli at magiging mas maganda this time around? or tayo pero eventually wala rin? or outrightly sasabihin mo na ayaw mo na talaga?
i guess, i will never know......
Morning babble
Posted by crishia at 09:06 PM on March 9, 2005.
I woke up this morning in a dreamy, weird state. I kept hearing a voice. “You are ok no matter what!” I just listened, and this is what I realized:
If tomorrow, K would say that we’ll give it another chance, saying all the right things… I will still be the same person then that I am today. I don’t need him wanting me to define who I am. If he wants me back tomorrow, then it is about him, and not me.
I’m not sure if im actually making sense – its kinda hard to explain, but if he doesn’t want me today and he would want me tomorrow, what has changed about me? I am still the same person di ba? I thought that K wanting me meant that I am good, worthy of his love, etc… but whether he wants me or not, I will be ok no matter what! I haven’t changed. He has…
Ok! Im babbling again – does anyone follow? Basta! Whether he thinks im the biggest a-hole or the best thing that ever happened to him, I am still me! I am still the same!
Let's Talk
Posted by crishia at 09:24 PM on March 9, 2005.
looks like a friend of mine needs someone to talk to. i have this really strong feeling that she is so burdened. the way she talked to me on the phone yesterday was really something. she just wasnt her usual bubbly self. i wish i can help her. Anyways, magkikita naman kami mamaya. im really hopeful u'll open up more too,
G. just like what u always tell me.
Words of Wisdom
Posted by crishia at 09:57 PM on March 9, 2005 as a favorite post.
from Abuelita:
You are the most important person in your life. Not daddy, not your boyfriend, YOU! Until you get this, nothing will work.
Daddy is upset because he sees you not valuing yourself as highly as he does, and as a parent I can understand how he could feel that way. Especially considering that he is dealing with his pain because of your illness. He wants you to care enough about yourself to fight for you, not focus your energy on someone else.
I don't know how you will resolve this situation, but I think that you do know that concentrating on getting your boyfriend back instead of caring for yourself is a bad decision.
March 13th, 2005
A Letter to Kenneth
Posted by crishia at 03:59 AM on March 13, 2005.
My Pretty Boy,
Miss na miss kita ngayon. Alam ko bukas, mamimiss rin kita more than I do today. Parati naman talagang ganito eh. Di ko talaga mapigilan. Kung pwede nga lang sanang turuan ang puso ko to stop missing you, matagal ko nang ginawa. Mukhang impossible atang mangyari yon.
Sa bawat pagsikat ng araw, pag naaalala kong wala ka na, makes me miss you more. Sinusubukan ko na lang i-brush off ang feeling kahit na parati rin naming nauuwi rin naman sa wala. In trying to do some things, I get lost in thoughts of you. Nakikita ko ang sarili ko na kasama kita, nag-uusap tayo, tumatawa, pinapangiti ang isat isa. But just as soon as those thoughts came, ay bigla namang natatapos. Balik na naman ako sa pagiging malungkot.
Miss na miss kitang talaga. Sana nandito ka. As I write this, parang nasa balikat ko ang buong mundo with no one to share this burden with. Kung nandito ka eh di sana may kausap ako sa lahat ng sakit na dinaranas ko. I will have your shoulder to cry on. You can wipe my cheeks dry. You may even give me a hug. But as much as I want you sa tabi ko, alam kong hindi na pwede.
Sabi ng ibang friends ko, I will eventually find someone na mas mamahalin ko. How could there be a love greater than my love for you now?
Siguro until the end of my days, itatanong ko pa rin sa sarili ko – bakit, sa dinami-daming tao sa mundong ito, I fell in love with someone who cant be mine forever?
Sa ngayon, I cant really say I have moved on. A big part of me remains to live in the glorious past, when I had every reason in the world to live… I had you!
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. Im not even sure if I could meet somebody else na magbibigay ligaya sa akin more than you did. I can only be certain about one thing… Baby, I will miss you once again.
Crish
Plague in my Dreams
Posted by crishia at 04:11 AM on March 13, 2005.
i woke up crying…
and hurting...
was just another one of my dreams...
kahit sa panaghinip ko, I cant seem to escape the truth that I miss K very much.
How can something so good hurt so much?
Sino Nga Ba?
Posted by crishia at 04:21 AM on March 13, 2005.
from my email today:
Masarap magmahal hindi ba? Kahit ikaw, hindi ka sigurado sa pag-ibig ng taong mahal na mahal mo... Minsan iniisip mo nalang na pagdating ng tamang panahon magiging maayos din ang lahat...
Sana nga!!! Nang hindi ka naman mukhang tanga na umaasa sa wala...
Minsan din ang sarap sarap isipin na minamahal ka ng taong mahal mo!!! yung tipong kayo na lang sana at hindi ang babaeng nakikita mong kasama nya na masaya at akala ang buong mundo ay
kanilang kanila...
Minsan din ang sarap bumalik sa nakaraan... yung tipong masaya pa kayo, parang mga batang walang problema... kung meron man parang, against all odds ang settings... pero may nakabitin
pa ring tanong... ano kayang nangyari??? pero ang kadalasang kasagutan e:
1. kasi di pala kami para sa isat-isa;
2. Nagkamali ako sa kanya;
3. iniwan lang nya ko ;
4. may iba na syang mahal;
5. niloko lang nya ko;
6. Di ako gusto ng parents nya;
7. ayoko na puro nalang kami away;
8. masyado nya kong sinasaktan;
9. nagsawa na sya sakin;
pero ito pinaka masakit;.
10.hindi pala nya talaga ako mahal (parang
panakip butas)
Grabe hindi ba??? Pero kailan kaya natin maririnig na nagpapasalamat ang isang umiibig sa taong nakasakit at sinaktan sya??? minsan naisip din kaya natin na kung ano ang kahalagahan ng isang bagay??? Yung kailangang bigyan ng halaga habang nandyan pa! Minsan kasi, saka lang natin nalalaman ang isang kahalagahan ng isang bagay pag wala na ito sa atin!!!
kaya minsan din isipin natin yung mga sinasabi, kinikilos, ginagawa natin kasi hindi lahat ng tao kayang tanggapin kung ano at paano natin ginagawa ang isang bagay!!! subukan nating magpasalamat sa kabila ng lahat...
A. kung sinaktan ka nya... magpasalamat ka dahil sya ang dahilan para tumibay ka;
B. kung niloko ka nya... patawarin mo at pasalamatan mo... dahil kung hindi sa kanya hindi mo mararamdam ang sakit na pwede ding
maramdaman ng iba... at least hindi mo gagawain sa iba;
C. kung hindi ka nya minahal... pasalamatan mo!!! dahil at least kahit papano na-feel mo na minahal ka nya kahit hindi, pasalamat sya dahil ikaw minahal mo sya ng buong buo;
minsan kailangan lang natin harapin kung ano man ang nakasakit sa atin... piliting kalimutan... piliting harapin kung ano ang noon... noon lang yun... iba ang ngayon!!! dahil kung nasaktan ka man noon, ngayon mag-iingat ka na at alam mo na kung ano dapat at hindi para hindi masaktan.
mahalin mo ang mga taong nakasakit sayo dahil sila ang dahilan para maging matibay ka!!!! para sa susunod di kana basta-basta padalos-dalos. pasalamatan mo ang taong nakasakit sayo...
sino ba ang mas mahalaga, ang taong mahal mo o ang taong gusto mong mahalin???
ang taong kasama mo buong araw o ang taong iniicip mo bago matapos ang araw???
siya bang kasa-kasama mo sa lahat ng ginagawa mo o siyang dahilan ng lahat ng galaw at ginagawa mo???
sino ba ang mas mahalaga... yung taong nais mong makasama habang buhay o yung taong hindi mo makita ang habang buhay kapag wala siya?
Sino ang mas matimbang... yung taong pag kasama mo'y parang kay bilis ng oras o yung taong tuwing iniicp mo'y parang kay bagal ng
oras?
ano ang susundin mo... ang dinidikta mo sa puso mo o ang dinidikta ng puso mo syo?
sya ba un laging pumapasok sa isip mo o siya yung laging laman ng panaginip mo?
Sino nga ba... ang taong nagpaluha syo, o ang taong nagpunas sa minsang pagluha mo?
Sino sa kanila... ang taong nagpapatawa syo o ang taong dahilan ng lahat ng iyong emosyon?
SIno nga bang pipiliin mo???
ANG TAONG MULING NAGBUKAS NG PUSO MO...
O ANG TAONG MATAGAL NG NANDOON?
Im Sorry
Posted by crishia at 04:38 AM on March 13, 2005.
im sorry...
kung sa akala mo ay nakalimutan na kita...
or ive moved on na
im sorry…
kung sa akala mo that I no longer dream about you…
or about us
im sorry…
if sa akala mo im over you na…
sa ngayon… sa magpakailan man
im sorry…
pasensya na…
pero di ko talaga magawang kalimutan ka
Fade Away
Posted by crishia at 05:08 AM on March 13, 2005.
Fade Away
by
Kapatid
was it something that i said to you
that didn't turn out right
was it something that i did gave up the vibe?
try to listen to yourself
and then you'll see my side
now tell me it ain't about the fuckin' pride
i say we fade away..
why can't we look each other eye to eye?
complacency already passed by
the good and bad times
we've been through
why can't we drop this shit
and start the day anew?
i say we fade away..
time and again, we stood together
side by side
i remember the time
when you saved me when i dropped from high..
but why do we tear each other?
limb from limb
but then again
you're totally out of my sight
was it something that i said
didn't turn out right
maybe something that i said
gave up the vibe..
fade away..
----------
i really love this song
just what i wanna do... fade away...
March 15th, 2005
Paglisan
Posted by crishia at 12:38 AM on March 15, 2005.
Paglisan
by Color It Red
Kung ang buhay ay isang umagang nakangiti
At ikaw ay ang lupang sinusuyo ng bituin
Di mo man silip ang langit,
di mo man silip
Ito'y nandirito pa rin.
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan
At sa iyong paglisan, ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig.
Sa pagbuhos ng ulan, sa haplos ng hangin
Alaala mo ay nakaukit sa pisngi ng langit
(Di man umihip ang hangin (ahh), di man umihip
Ika'y nandirito pa rin).
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan
At sa iyong paglisan, ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig.
-----------------
Sa aking paglisan, ang tanging habilin ko ay pag-ibig...
Before I Let You Go
Posted by crishia at 01:06 AM on March 15, 2005.
Before I Let You Go
by Freestyle
I can still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that you loved me
Made me feel, oh so right
But now, I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and every day I think of you
Holdin' back the tears,
I'm trying with all my might
Refrain:
Because you're gone and left me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow
On my own...
But baby...
Chorus:
Before I let you go
I want to say,"I love you"
I hope that you're list'nin'
'Coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say it..."I love you"
I wish that it could be just like before
I know I could've given you so much more
Even though you know
I'd given you all my love
I miss your smile,
I miss your kiss
Each and everyday I reminisce
'Coz baby it's you
That I'm always dreamin' of...
Refrain:
Because you're gone and left me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow
On my own...
But baby...
Chorus:
Before I let you go
I want to say,"I love you"
I hope that you're list'nin'
'Coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say it..."I love you"
Bridge:
Letting love go
Is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I set you free
I know someday
Somehow I'll find a way
To leave it all behind me
Guess it wasn't meant to be
But baby...
Chorus:
Before I let you go
I want to say,"I love you"
I hope that you're list'nin'
'Coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do
So before I let you go
I want to say it..."I love you"
-------------------
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, KENNETH RUELAN!!!
Please, please, please... love me too
Habang May Buhay
Posted by crishia at 01:30 AM on March 15, 2005.
Habang May Buhay
by After Image
Nais kong mabuhay sa haba ng panahon
Kung ito'y lilipas na ika'y kapiling ko
Ang aking buhay, ang aking buhay
Sa 'yo'y ibibigay.
Tangi kong panalangin ay pagsamo mo
Kailanma'y di magmamaliw ang apoy sa puso ko
Habang may buhay, habang may buhay
Hangga't ang dugo ko ay dumadaloy
Sa 'yo lamang iaalay
Ang aking buhay, ang aking buhay
Sa 'yo'y ibibigay.
At kung tayo'y magwawalay ako'y mabibigo
Di na nanaisin pang ituloy ang buhay ko
Ibig kong malaman mo
Hanggang sa dulo ng mundo
Ang pangarap ko'y sa 'yo.
Ang aking buhay, ang aking buhay
Sa 'yo'y (sa 'yo'y) ibibigay.
What I Miss
Posted by crishia at 02:11 AM on March 15, 2005.
i miss being "fine" and "happy"
March 16th, 2005
Posted by crishia at 04:25 AM on March 16, 2005.
Don"t cry for me when im gone
Keep the faith and be strong
cause through it all i have been blessed
And i passed the test
So when you look up in the sky on a sunny day
Imagine me drifting away
you will find me sailing the ships of Heaven
Waiting for the day i come back sailing for you
Remember all the good times we had
Some were great
and some were sad
But you will know in the end
Our Love was stronger than when we began
No unforgiven sins and regrets
Just the times of our lives
that we will never forget.
To Those I Love
Posted by crishia at 04:32 AM on March 16, 2005.
If I should ever leave you,
Whom I love
To go along the silent way. . .
Grieve not.
Nor speak of me with tears.
But laugh and talk of me
As if I were beside you there.
(I'd come. . .I'd come,
Could I but find a way!
But would not tears and
And grief be barriers?)
And when you hear a song
Or see a bird I loved,
Please do not let the thought of me
Be sad. . .for I am loving you
Just as I always have. . .
You were so good to me!
There are so many things
I wanted still to do. . .
So many things I wanted to say
to you. . . Remember that
I did not fear. . . It was
Just leaving you
That was so hard to face.
We cannot see beyond. . .
But this I know:
I loved you so. . .
'twas heaven here with you
by Isla Paschal Richardson.
Read by Gregory Peck at Frank Sinatra's funeral, 1998
March 23rd, 2005
Posted by crishia at 01:10 AM on March 23, 2005.
Im not soooo over you.
Ang gaga gaga ko.
March 29th, 2005
Posted by crishia at 03:57 AM on March 29, 2005 as a favorite post.
As a young child, I used to envy my sister Patricia. I was always behind her shadows. Mom and Dad always had their eyes on her. Everybody had their eyes on her. Her song and dance act was always the highlight of the party. Even in the schools we've attended to, a play or a program is never complete without her.
While she was busy minggling with the kids on the playground, you can find me behind books near the back of the library. While she was busy entertaining everyone with her childish stories, I just sat in a corner listening to the stories i made in my mind. She was the attentive one in class. Always the first to raise her hand to answer questions. I, on the other hand, go to school for the sake of going. My classes just bore me. The lessons I've already read from the books in the library.
I grew up na lahat na lang si Tricia, si Tricia, si Tricia! She was my parents' little princess. There was never a Crish. I was better known as Tricia's sister.
I was 7 years old. My parents have just broken up. It was the morning Mommy and Tricia left for the US. I went inside Daddy's room and saw him crying. The very first time I ever saw him cry. I asked him to stop but he just kept on repeating "They left me... what am I supposed to do now?" Secretly, I cried too. Why did he say "me" and not "us"? Am I not in this family, too?
During those days, I've seen the Dad that I've never seen before. Malungkutin... tulala... di makausap. At a very young age, I seem to understand what he was going through. Why? Because that was what I was feeling too for a long time now. He longed for Mommy and Tricia who were far away. I longed for him eventhough he was just in front of me.
Early morning of my 8th birthday. Yaya and the driver brought me to the church. They bought me a pink balloon. I felt happy. When we got home, Mommy called and greeted me on the phone. I felt happy. Abuelita called to greet me. She's coming over by dinner and she's gonna be bringing cake and ice cream. I felt happy.
I went inside Daddy's room. He was just lying on bed doing nothing. I sat beside him and asked if he knew what day it was. "It's Wednesday today. Aren't you supposed to be in school?" Dad replied. Of course I knew it was Wednesday and there's no school bcoz of sem break. Until today, I never forgot that feeling of like being stabbed in the heart when I heard what he said. For heaven's sake, there I was, holding my pink balloon with a big Happy Birthday printed on it. He forgot about my birthday. No! He forgot about me. "Why does it always have to be Mom and Tricia? What about me, Daddy? When will you ever see me?" The very first time I shouted at him. I was angry. I just stayed in my room the whole day. Yaya coming in every now and then.
I had my balloon. I had my cake. I had my ice cream. But I want my Dad.
It wasnt until late that night that he finally came in my room. "I'm sorry, my baby. I didn't mean to hurt you. I promise, from now on, I will never let you out of my sight. Daddy loves you very much."
From then on, Dad and I were inseparable. I am his life. I am Daddy's only little princess.
Not until now though... All I wanted to point out was Im already 26. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that I will always be his little princess but that doesnt mean I don't have a life of my own. I know he wants to protect me from all the hurt in this world, but I'd very much like to experience how those are in order to learn to stand on my own.
I dont like what's happening now. I want my Dad back. I want to talk to him again. I miss him very much.